Today was my appointment with the clinic. It was a two hour meeting, but it felt much longer. Just me and a specialist nurse. She asked me so many questions and told me about the different courses of treatment they offer. Some questions were hard to answer.. I stared at the clock to keep from making eye contact with her.. It felt like she could see right through me.. I hated it. She tried to persuade me to have a full family assessment, but said as I'm 24 i can decide who is included. They gave me only a couple of choices.. I can go to an outpatient clinic twice per week and see a therapist three times a week or I go into an inpatient clinic until declared legally 'cured'.. if I object - it's taken to court and I'll be forced into the inpatient. I could speak on my behalf but they'll use previous medical history to prove I'm "mentally unstable" and "a danger to myself". I have until Thursday to decide. I'm still petrified of speaking out when my every word could be hung on and scrutinized. I don't want to expose my safe little world. Closing in on my territory, my comfort, that i have been hiding away for so, so long.

I felt quite uncomfortable when she was talking to me and kept averting my eyes from her face and round the room. She caught me pulling on the skin at the top of my hand and asked what I was doing.. I explained that I was pinching the skin to feel if it had gotten thicker, because the idea of another layer of skin frightened me. Something started to crawl beneath my skin, reaching all my sore points. I tried to vent but found myself holding back. I guess That's how i expected it to be. She said that they aim to get underweight patients back to at least 150. I laughed inside my head at the sheer impossibility of that. No way am i going to gain that much. Not now, not ever. I'm too heavy already, i feel it pulling me down.

Being told about eating normally again seemed so far away from this reality I've created. It's like being given a random object without a clue how to use it or how it works.

I've never felt so scared of losing this.

I will push myself though, a wavering hand on my back. Apprehension sits between my shoulders but i know i have to try and ignore it. I'm not completely committed but something has to change. I need to feel something besides gloom. Before it destroys me for the last time. My system is all but shut down and cut off.

I hope i can find a way out, if not now, someway.

I can't help but wonder how long till it all ends? Will i ever be free? Will it ever leave?

I wish i knew. I need a small spark of light to hold in these weathered hands.